October Surprise!

Surprise, I'm back! I guess you could say I've been ...Biden my time. He he he.

If there's anything that quarantine has taught me it's that my wife and I have a lot of time on our hands. Even with our 2 children, dog, and 2 jobs, we can still fry a lot of brain cells watching Netflix like it's our job. But in case you haven't noticed, there sure is an awful lot of chatter about politics these days. And guess what, even though it's been almost 10 years since I last posted, my wife still calls herself a Democrat and I still have no idea why!

But since this year has pretty much been a dumpster fire, I might as well go back to 2011 and start blogging on Blogspot again!

Anywho, I've been keeping an eye on my wife lately and let me tell you, she is no more a Democrat today than she was during the Egyptian Spring (remember that?).

For example, the other day while my wife was watching The Food Network (and not The View, thank goodness), she told me about how awesome the food courts are in Singapore. You know which courts aren't awesome in Singapore? Their actual courts. Their free speech is nonexistent, but you don’t need to speak against the government with a mouth full of authentic Pad Thai!

I think she would love to live in Singapore. She watched an episode of the Liberal Media outlining how everyone gets free housing, education, and apparently “the best cuisine in all of Asia” [barf] all for that sweet, sweet price of never speaking up against the government. “But how could you? Why would you want to? Look at all the variety in that food court!” ...Yes, she actually said this.

If only I had a donut to stop her from talking as we fell asleep. Maybe that would put an end to the nightmares of living in government housing, eating Chicken Satay, and watching re-runs of Judge Judy on Youtube just to feel close to the First Amendment.

You can’t fool me, Singapore! I don’t care how much I love Samosas!

It's good to be back!

So You Think You Can Dance

Hey, everyone. The holidays sure were a lot of fun and I apologize for neglecting on reporting the many shocking, yet expected, actions of my wife (and her family) over the past few weeks. And let me tell you, my wife needs a good humbling after the stunts she pulled.

During her family's family reunion, what was supposed to a modest and formal display of talents, which included an award-winning performance of some classical piano piece by her 14 year-old cousin, Truman, and a separate award-winning piano piece by Truman's little sister (whatever her name is, I can't remember, there's too many of 'em!) and then a very impressive rendition of "Go Tell It On The Mountain" by their even littler brother, Ellen thought it'd be funny to play some show tunes and do some weird dancing that everyone just died laughing at. Here I thought Democrats were supposed to be the refined and sophisticated types but at the end of the day the whole family just kept yelling, "Hey Ellen, do that goofy shoulder dance! Hardy hardy har!!" like a bunch of yokels! I apologized later to Truman and his siblings because I thought their talents were far superior and dignified for a family event.

I don't know, I just don't get that family.

Calling All Babies, My Wife Hopes You Starve!

My wife calls herself a Democrat but every time one of those hungry baby commercials is on she makes me change the channel because "those commercials are stupid and annoying." She doesn't try to empathize or even show the tiniest bit of feeling, she just yells, "Change it, I don't care about those dumb babies!" I guess Democrats aren't all that concerned about defenseless babies but are more concerned with watching commercials that don't remind them of how black their souls are.

Obama's Message to Kids - "Archimedes was a Liar!"

This might be hard to believe but Obama has recently been pushing for kids to get more smarter and improve our country's science and math scores. On the surface, this doesn't seem like such a bad idea, but, of course, as always, the cracks of Obama's true agenda can be seen seeping through the facade. I'm talking about his recent appearance on Mythbusters. First of all, Mythbusters is my kind of science. I can't think of a better way for our country's youth to learn science than by showing all the practical every day situations where knowing how to blow something up will come in handy. I mean, if that isn't science I don't know what is! As you can tell, I'm being sarcastic. I'm surprised Obama went on a show where it seems like the whole point is to blow stuff up and think you're smarter than everyone else for having watched it. I thought the image of the "mindless arrogant American" was what Obama was trying to fix.

Anyways, Obama's myth that he was in charge of busting or verifying is the story of Archimedes' solar death ray that supposedly burned attacking ships by aiming a bunch of mirrors at them. If he really wanted to sink a ship he should have just held up a picture of his wife. Heyyo!

But here's the kicker. His myth was busted! Wouldn't it have been better to give him a myth that could be verified as true? I guess the lesson he wanted to give kids was, "Hey, don't bother trying to prove anything because it's probably not true so just get back to eating chips and playing video games."

I don't know. Maybe I'm reading too much into this one. The point is, when I told my wife Obama was going to be on Mythbusters she said, "Oh, I think I knew that." As if she doesn't follow forty blogs a day trying to find out where he's going to be next.

The Obama myth has been busted!

Wikileaks vs James Franco

Well, December is here and it's brought a lot of snow to the humble state of Utah. It's looking like it's going to be a white Christmas this year. Tonight, my wife and I enjoyed a night with her sister and her husband who live nearby. After eating out at some ethnic place (Lonestar Taqueria) we played Blokus. Not surprisingly, I won. Probably due to my affinity for logic and spatial reasoning. It's with that same precision logic that I approach today's subject at hand - the Wikileaks leaks, top secret US documents which have been made public by some fruit cake named Julian Assange.

First of all, it's no surprise that this guy is from Australia, since that's where most of the world's criminals come from. He's probably a descendant of one of the country's first criminals to have been sent there by the British. Just look at this guy, could he look any weirder? No one looking that weird could be up to any amount of good, and such is the case with Julian (isn't that a girl's name?). Somehow, this guy got a hold of my country's secret documents and is spreading them all over the internet like some kind of internet wild fire. I mean, who does that? This guy needs to be hunted down and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the international laws and codes. Luckily, his website has already been taken down in America by whoever runs the internet here, I think it's Comcast.

I was talking about all this stuff with my wife's sister's husband and we were really nailing this guy with some of our commentary. And I'm sitting here explaining all of this stuff to my wife and I say, "that's who this guy is". And, of course, she just looks up from her iPhone and is like, "Huh? I wasn't listening." So I go through the whole explanation again, telling her about all the crap this terrorist is starting between countries and she's sitting there listening to all of this and taking it all in and I think I'm getting through to her and when I finish she looks over at her sister and says, "Did you hear James Franco is hosting the Oscars?"

ARGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!

Nice, babe. Way to care about your country!

Thanksgiving Vacation Report - Like Mother Like Daughter

Well, it was a loooooong vacation. And let me just say, I deserved it after those long weeks at the office. It's just too bad most of my paycheck is going to fund some Obama plan for people who don't know how to take care of themselves. Oh well, that's life under the Democrats, I suppose.

My wife and I went to San Diego to visit her parents. It was fun. We went to the beach with our dog, saw some movies, and basically did a whole lot of nothing, which was ideal.

My wife's mom is, without a doubt, queen of the Democrats... in her own mind. You see, she's just like her daughter. A total fake! The whole time we were there it was "global warming this", "health care that", "did you watch The View last week?", you know the routine. But Friday night, she had some guests over for dinner and guess what she served for dessert. Creme brulee. And how, you might ask, did she manage to make that delicious, sweet, sugary crust on the top? With a blow torch! That's right, she went to The Home Depot and bought a blow torch and a propane tank to go along with it. Here I thought Democrats cared about the earth but instead they're going out and plundering it for its natural resources all in the name of sweety goodness. When are Democrats going to start taking themselves and their ideas seriously? Who knows? From what I've seen, never.

It's Not Our Fault

So there's this story in the news today about some chickens that were apparently abused at an egg farm. Some chickens were laying dead in the little gutter that the eggs roll down so they were touching the eggs as they passed. Apparently, this is a problem because as we all know, when we buys eggs from a supermarket, the first thing we do is eat the shells. Whatever. I told my wife about this story and she just said it wasn't her fault because we buy free range eggs. As if a dead chicken has never touched a free range egg.