OWN Gets Pwn'd

My wife calls herself a Democrat (and Oprah lover) but when I showed her the logo for Oprah's new TV channel, OWN, coming next year, and told her how ugly I thought it was she scoffed at it and said it looked like a Nerds Rope and a neon sign went to Vegas and made a baby.





What can I say? She's right.

Crisis In Mexico - Crisis At Home

You know how like every week there's another story on the news about a drug related mass murder in Mexico (no surprise, really)? Here's the latest from CNN:

15 shot dead at carwash in Mexico, officials say
Fifteen people were killed Wednesday at a carwash in the western Mexican state of Nayarit, the state attorney general's office told CNNMexico.com.

The attack happened at a business called the Gamboa carwash in the capital, Tepic, and is presumed to be the work of a drug cartel, the state-run Notimex news agency reported, citing local police.

Pretty shocking, right?
This is my wife's opinion - I hope Costco tamale prices don't go up because of this.

Wow. Just... wow.

Gun (out of) Control

My wife calls herself a Democrat but whenever anyone brings up anything about guns the first thing out of her mouth is always "I've shot an SKS!!!!"

Here's her sister holding an M4 showing how the hypocrisy runs in the family:

Today We're All Juan Williams

By now, you've probably heard about Juan Williams getting fired from NPR for the following statement while on Bill O'Reilly's show:

When I get on a plane … if I see people who are in Muslim garb and I think, you know, they’re identifying themselves first and foremost as Muslims, I get worried, I get nervous.

First of all, let me ask the question, who doesn't? I get the heebie jeebies just looking at a waxing moon because it reminds me of the Algerian flag. But when I told my wife about Juan Williams I expected her to say, "Good for NPR", but instead she said, "I know exactly how he feels. When I'm in a movie theater and a group of teenagers walks in I just know that they all have cell phones in their pockets and fifteen minutes into the movie I'm going to be speaking with Dave, the theater manager, about them."

Viva La France?

My wife calls herself a Democrat so, of course, she loves everything about France. She's even been there once or twice (I would never). So imagine how good I felt the other day when I told her about all the protesting going on there because they don't want to work more than 4 days a week until they're 60. That kind of work ethic is treasonous here in America. But I was totally deflated because after I told her about everything she just looked up at me and said, "I don't know, they sound kind of lazy if you ask me, babe."

4 Year Anniversary and She's Still A Democrat

4 years ago on this day my wife and I went on our first date. Pretty cool, huh? It's no surprise that with her radical left-wing ideology that we went to a Hare Krishna temple for the Festival of Lights, or "Diwali", as they call it. She wanted to "see what it was all about". Something happened while we were there that, in retrospect, was probably the first time that my wife didn't show her true Democrat colors.

We were upstairs in the temple and we had just finished watching a production of "Dracula Gets A Gita" when all of a sudden they bring out a baby cow and tell us to start painting it! At first I was like, "Get me out of here, this is too weird!" and I started sweating. But I decided to let it play out. It turns out it wasn't that weird after all. It was Go Puja, a celebration of "the day when Krishna became an independent cowherd." So here's the point of the story - my wife didn't paint the cow! I asked her if she wanted to and she just shook her head "no". It didn't really bother me at first because I just thought, "Oh, she doesn't like to try new things. That's cool." But now, thinking back on it, it really upsets me that she didn't want to at least pretend to celebrate the day Krishna became an independent cowherd!

If I knew then what I know now about her I would have let her have it right there in front of everybody. And I wouldn't have even cared if the cow or Dracula were there while I did it.

Life On The Plantation

My wife calls herself a Democrat but at least twice a week she wants to go to Souplantation. I would think that with the exaggerated obesity levels that Democrats make up about America that she would not support buffet style eating, but trust me, she supports it.

And don't even get me started with the racist name...

Fox Blackout Makes My Wife Sad. Why?

My wife calls herself a Democrat but when she heard about the Fox blackout caused by a contract dispute between News Corp. and Cablevision that is affecting 3 million people in New York all she said was, "That sucks, how are those people going to watch Glee now?"

I was expecting her to go off on a rant about "how lucky those people are to not have Fox on their TV's" and "how the truth meter on their TV's just just went up a notch" and all the other bull crap that comes out of Democrats' mouths as soon as Fox is mentioned, but apparently all my wife cares about is mind-numbing pop culture.

A Very Skewed View

My wife calls herself a Democrat but even she thinks Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg were out of line when they walked off The View following Bill O'Reilly's logic smackdown. Go get 'em, Bill! I don't know how Bill could stand being surrounded by all those cackling hens. As soon as my wife started showing me the clip, I walked out!

Try not to vomit while watching these "ladies" squirm.

My Wife Mocks The Chilean Miners!

My wife calls herself a Democrat but yesterday, when the feel-good story of the decade, the rescue of the Chilean miners, was compared to watching the Apollo 13 landing on TV she yelled out, "They're smoking cigarettes in a hole 100 yards beneath the Earth's crust! This is NOT the Apollo 13 landing!"

So what's all this I hear about how much Democrats care about people and want justice and are more compassionate than Republicans? I guess none of that is true.

Here she is in the bottom left-hand corner "lifting their spirits".



ps - Sorry for the late post, I had to go to court during lunch to pay a traffic ticket. Ouch!

Saturday Night Lies

My wife calls herself a Democrat but the other day we were watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and she says, "Saturday Night Live is pretty bipartisan, wouldn't you say?". Uhhhh, no, I would not say. She's absolutely crazy if that's what she thinks! And I told her that. I told her, "Why do you think Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin have hosted the show so many times, because of their love for Sarah Palin?!"

If you still have any doubt, here's a list of who's hosted the show the most. The top two are Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin, both at 15.

Saturday Night Live isn't even that good anymore. Everybody says that but I really mean it. Ever since Victoria Jackson left in 1992 the show has been terrible and not funny. The Kelsey Grammer episode a long time ago was funny but if SNL wants me to watch again they need better hosts. Bring on Jon Voight or Clint Eastwood and I'll think about watching again.

There's A Communist Living in the White House.
Sing it, Victoria!

Always In The Know

My wife calls herself a Democrat but when I asked her what she thought about Gary Herbert's chances about holding on to his seat as Governor in the upcoming election she just looked up at me from her Diet Coke and said, "What election?"

Knowing my wife, she'd probably support Peter Corroon though, who, when asked what district he represents said "At-Large", like a major dork. And check out his Professional and Political Experience section - they're totally blank! Not surprising. Just like Obama. No wonder my wife loves him.

I'm sure someone on Mr. Corroon's staff will fill in that page with lies soon so I got a screen shot while the truth was still available.



See: Utah Candidates for Governor

Our Dog is Worth an XBox... to my wife

My wife calls herself a Democrat but the other day we were walking around a park and saw a sign for a missing dog. The owner was offering $1000 dollars for its safe return. I asked my wife how much she'd be willing to pay for our dog if it got lost. I asked her if $300 sounded about right and she said yes. I was pretty speechless, I thought I was low-balling her! The thing is, our dog is twice as big as this other lost dog so I was expecting to hear at least $2000, but I guess my wife doesn't see things that way. If PETA found out about my wife's attitude I bet they'd send her hate mail. Here's the question I should have asked her - What price do you think Bridgette would offer for our safe return if we got lost? Probably a million dollars. Unless our dog is anything like my wife, then she'd probably only offer a nickel, or a mini beggin' strip.

Stay classy, babe!

My Wife Doesn't Listen To Michelle Obama Either

My wife calls herself a Democrat but when I suggested that she start growing a garden like Michelle Obama on our 8x7 balcony, she quickly came up with a list of excuses, which included, among others:

1) She doesn't want people to think she is growing pot (this is actually a valid excuse, our neighbors smoke pot and I think I heard them talking once about how much they love Obama).

2) She does her yoga on the balcony and doesn't want a garden to interfere with her downward facing dog.

3) Bridgette, our dog, would use it as a sand box.

I don't know, if you ask me these are all pretty lame excuses (except for #1) not to follow the counsel of the person you worship more than anything in the whole world. But, to be honest, I'm glad she's not growing an Obama garden because it's just the first step towards the real kind of garden that Michelle and her husband are trying to grow in the backyards of every home in America.

High Ideological Pollution Alert

My wife calls herself a Democrat but on a day when all the freeway LED signs said there was a high pollution alert and that we should limit our driving she drove 40 miles to buy designer jeans on sale. She ended up returning the jeans the very next day because I told her they cost too much and that while I'm at work she can't just be spending other people's (my) money all day long however she wants (which is a Democrat's dream, obviously). The day she returned them there was another high pollution alert. Sorry, polar bears.

Guess There's Not A Climate Crisis After All

My wife calls herself a Democrat but when she picks me up from work she never uses the carpool lane.

Flopping On Abortion

My wife calls herself a Democrat but she fully supports Bella not aborting her vampire baby that threatens to kill her from the inside (see: Breaking Dawn, aka, mindless drivel part 4). Can you say "hypocrite"? All of a sudden my wife cares about the sanctity of life, albeit a vampire's, or whatever.

I was looking through files on our computer yesterday and look what I found in the folders she uses.



"Who would abort Robert Pattinson's baby, anyway?"
-My Wife

Sick, Twisted Faker

My wife calls herself a Democrat but the last time I used the car after her, the radio was set to Glenn Beck. I approached her about it, and in a very defensive stance, she said she just listens to it to prepare her talking points and rebuttals when arguing with the Tea Party.

Super Sized Surprise

My wife calls herself a Democrat but when I said I was thinking about watching “Super Size Me” on Netflix instant play, she just yawned. I was speechless. I ended up watching Down Periscope instead, which I hadn't seen in a while.

Voter Fraud

My wife calls herself a Democrat but guess who she voted for in the 2008 election. She didn't.