Calling All Babies, My Wife Hopes You Starve!

My wife calls herself a Democrat but every time one of those hungry baby commercials is on she makes me change the channel because "those commercials are stupid and annoying." She doesn't try to empathize or even show the tiniest bit of feeling, she just yells, "Change it, I don't care about those dumb babies!" I guess Democrats aren't all that concerned about defenseless babies but are more concerned with watching commercials that don't remind them of how black their souls are.

Obama's Message to Kids - "Archimedes was a Liar!"

This might be hard to believe but Obama has recently been pushing for kids to get more smarter and improve our country's science and math scores. On the surface, this doesn't seem like such a bad idea, but, of course, as always, the cracks of Obama's true agenda can be seen seeping through the facade. I'm talking about his recent appearance on Mythbusters. First of all, Mythbusters is my kind of science. I can't think of a better way for our country's youth to learn science than by showing all the practical every day situations where knowing how to blow something up will come in handy. I mean, if that isn't science I don't know what is! As you can tell, I'm being sarcastic. I'm surprised Obama went on a show where it seems like the whole point is to blow stuff up and think you're smarter than everyone else for having watched it. I thought the image of the "mindless arrogant American" was what Obama was trying to fix.

Anyways, Obama's myth that he was in charge of busting or verifying is the story of Archimedes' solar death ray that supposedly burned attacking ships by aiming a bunch of mirrors at them. If he really wanted to sink a ship he should have just held up a picture of his wife. Heyyo!

But here's the kicker. His myth was busted! Wouldn't it have been better to give him a myth that could be verified as true? I guess the lesson he wanted to give kids was, "Hey, don't bother trying to prove anything because it's probably not true so just get back to eating chips and playing video games."

I don't know. Maybe I'm reading too much into this one. The point is, when I told my wife Obama was going to be on Mythbusters she said, "Oh, I think I knew that." As if she doesn't follow forty blogs a day trying to find out where he's going to be next.

The Obama myth has been busted!

Wikileaks vs James Franco

Well, December is here and it's brought a lot of snow to the humble state of Utah. It's looking like it's going to be a white Christmas this year. Tonight, my wife and I enjoyed a night with her sister and her husband who live nearby. After eating out at some ethnic place (Lonestar Taqueria) we played Blokus. Not surprisingly, I won. Probably due to my affinity for logic and spatial reasoning. It's with that same precision logic that I approach today's subject at hand - the Wikileaks leaks, top secret US documents which have been made public by some fruit cake named Julian Assange.

First of all, it's no surprise that this guy is from Australia, since that's where most of the world's criminals come from. He's probably a descendant of one of the country's first criminals to have been sent there by the British. Just look at this guy, could he look any weirder? No one looking that weird could be up to any amount of good, and such is the case with Julian (isn't that a girl's name?). Somehow, this guy got a hold of my country's secret documents and is spreading them all over the internet like some kind of internet wild fire. I mean, who does that? This guy needs to be hunted down and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the international laws and codes. Luckily, his website has already been taken down in America by whoever runs the internet here, I think it's Comcast.

I was talking about all this stuff with my wife's sister's husband and we were really nailing this guy with some of our commentary. And I'm sitting here explaining all of this stuff to my wife and I say, "that's who this guy is". And, of course, she just looks up from her iPhone and is like, "Huh? I wasn't listening." So I go through the whole explanation again, telling her about all the crap this terrorist is starting between countries and she's sitting there listening to all of this and taking it all in and I think I'm getting through to her and when I finish she looks over at her sister and says, "Did you hear James Franco is hosting the Oscars?"

ARGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!

Nice, babe. Way to care about your country!

Thanksgiving Vacation Report - Like Mother Like Daughter

Well, it was a loooooong vacation. And let me just say, I deserved it after those long weeks at the office. It's just too bad most of my paycheck is going to fund some Obama plan for people who don't know how to take care of themselves. Oh well, that's life under the Democrats, I suppose.

My wife and I went to San Diego to visit her parents. It was fun. We went to the beach with our dog, saw some movies, and basically did a whole lot of nothing, which was ideal.

My wife's mom is, without a doubt, queen of the Democrats... in her own mind. You see, she's just like her daughter. A total fake! The whole time we were there it was "global warming this", "health care that", "did you watch The View last week?", you know the routine. But Friday night, she had some guests over for dinner and guess what she served for dessert. Creme brulee. And how, you might ask, did she manage to make that delicious, sweet, sugary crust on the top? With a blow torch! That's right, she went to The Home Depot and bought a blow torch and a propane tank to go along with it. Here I thought Democrats cared about the earth but instead they're going out and plundering it for its natural resources all in the name of sweety goodness. When are Democrats going to start taking themselves and their ideas seriously? Who knows? From what I've seen, never.

It's Not Our Fault

So there's this story in the news today about some chickens that were apparently abused at an egg farm. Some chickens were laying dead in the little gutter that the eggs roll down so they were touching the eggs as they passed. Apparently, this is a problem because as we all know, when we buys eggs from a supermarket, the first thing we do is eat the shells. Whatever. I told my wife about this story and she just said it wasn't her fault because we buy free range eggs. As if a dead chicken has never touched a free range egg.

A Saphire, Not a Diamond

While at our weekly dinner at Souplantation tonight, I was trying to tell my wife about the the soldier awarded the Medal of Honor today. "He's the first living soldier to receive the Medal of Honor since Vietnam" I told her, but her interest was lack-luster. I thought she may have been distracted by her brownie and yogurt dessert.

"What did he do to get it, again?" she asked.

"He shot a guy who was dragging off another American soldier."

"So he shot a guy in the face, and he gets a medal?"

"While he was kidnapping an American soldier."

The conversation was concluded with her final input:

"All I can think about is Prince William and his engagement. Did you see her ring? It was Princess Diana's...."

I got distracted myself, after that.

My Wife Actually Believes In Parenting

Sorry for taking such a long break away from this blog. I've been working hard trying to get some overtime at work so we can have Thanksgiving week off. But the break's been good because my wife has been digging herself into deeper and deeper holes with every passing day. Just the other day we saw this super hyperactive kid acting ridiculous and she said, "Someone needs to shove some Riddlin down that kid's throat.", which was expected, but then I said, "Or just some discipline.", and she said, "Yeah, that'd probably work, too."

My Wife Loooooves Bush!

My wife calls herself a Democrat but tonight on NBC when Matt Lauer asked Bush what he thought when Kanye West said "President Bush hates black people", and Bush said it was the most miserable he'd been in his presidency, she said she really felt for him. Then she said, "Too bad Condoleezza Rice is black." She said it all sarcastically, too, like she was throwing that fact in Kanye West's face. I almost asked her if she still thought Bush was the devil but I decided to just keep my mouth shut.
Bush was great tonight, I love him!

***2010 Midterm Elections Statistical Analysis***
As promised, here's my analysis of the results of the 2010 Midterm elections. It took me all weekend (I was trying to figure out this program called Excel) so I hope you love it.



As you can see, we, the Republicans, now have the majority of the representatives in the House. I was going to make a pie chart of what it looked like before the election but I don't really have that much time on my hands to make two graphs.

Still Not Interested In The Miners

My wife calls herself a Democrat but as we're watching Edison, one of the Chilean miners, on David Letterman right now, she's just falling asleep. I don't know. I guess it's not that surprising considering how little she even cared when they were down there (My Wife Mocks The Chilean Miners!). She said she's tired because she just started her new job today but come on, gimme a break!


ps - I know I said I'd do a detailed analysis of the mid-term election results but I was really busy all day today so maybe tomorrow or early next week. I really want to put some good stuff together so I want to take the necessary time to work on it.

Gridlock Here We Come!

My wife calls herself a Democrat (and political activist) but when I woke her up to show her the results of the House elections that I had printed off of CNN's website (the above image) this morning, she just looked at it and said, "Huh, looks like it's gonna be hot all across the country." I just rolled my eyes at her and said, "This isn't a weather forecast, sweetheart, this is the beginning of the end for you and your cronies!" And I left for work. I'm sure that by the time she had woken up (3 hours later at 10:00am) she had figured out what I had shown her. But maybe she didn't, because when I got home all she talked about was how mad she was that Obama had interrupted The View to talk about something.

Sneak peek: Tomorrow I'll analyze the results in detail and tell you what to expect in the next two years. Stay tuned.

God Save The Queen

Well, it's election day and it looks like the Reps. have gotten control of the House while the Dems. keep control of the Senate. Finally, a little bit of sanity is going to be restored to our country.
In the spirit of the elections, I'd like to share the following conversation that I had with my wife today.

My wife: We should just go back to a monarchy.
Me: When did we ever have a monarchy?
My wife: When we were British colonists. Life was simple, streamlined, and you always knew what to expect. No surprises.
Me: Well maybe you should just go back to England then?
My wife: It seems so luxurious over there.

Here Come The Elections

Well, it's truth time. Tomorrow, the nation will decide if this out-of-control Congress and its President will continue its liberal agenda and spending or if we'll finally get our country back and restore it to its former glory.

Well, here's a real shocker. My wife told me she isn't even going to vote! That's right. Lil' Miss Queen of the Democrats isn't going to vote. Why? Because when she was crossing the street today to get to Pei Wei a car almost hit her because the driver was distracted by some Republican political activists holding picket signs on the corner. So now she's not going to vote out of protest to the activists.

I'm not going to vote, but not because of some stupid reason like that. I just haven't re-registered in my new county. So here's a reminder to everyone to vote Yes on Proposition 1. I'd really like to see a Natural History Museum in Salt Lake.

OWN Gets Pwn'd

My wife calls herself a Democrat (and Oprah lover) but when I showed her the logo for Oprah's new TV channel, OWN, coming next year, and told her how ugly I thought it was she scoffed at it and said it looked like a Nerds Rope and a neon sign went to Vegas and made a baby.





What can I say? She's right.

Crisis In Mexico - Crisis At Home

You know how like every week there's another story on the news about a drug related mass murder in Mexico (no surprise, really)? Here's the latest from CNN:

15 shot dead at carwash in Mexico, officials say
Fifteen people were killed Wednesday at a carwash in the western Mexican state of Nayarit, the state attorney general's office told CNNMexico.com.

The attack happened at a business called the Gamboa carwash in the capital, Tepic, and is presumed to be the work of a drug cartel, the state-run Notimex news agency reported, citing local police.

Pretty shocking, right?
This is my wife's opinion - I hope Costco tamale prices don't go up because of this.

Wow. Just... wow.

Gun (out of) Control

My wife calls herself a Democrat but whenever anyone brings up anything about guns the first thing out of her mouth is always "I've shot an SKS!!!!"

Here's her sister holding an M4 showing how the hypocrisy runs in the family:

Today We're All Juan Williams

By now, you've probably heard about Juan Williams getting fired from NPR for the following statement while on Bill O'Reilly's show:

When I get on a plane … if I see people who are in Muslim garb and I think, you know, they’re identifying themselves first and foremost as Muslims, I get worried, I get nervous.

First of all, let me ask the question, who doesn't? I get the heebie jeebies just looking at a waxing moon because it reminds me of the Algerian flag. But when I told my wife about Juan Williams I expected her to say, "Good for NPR", but instead she said, "I know exactly how he feels. When I'm in a movie theater and a group of teenagers walks in I just know that they all have cell phones in their pockets and fifteen minutes into the movie I'm going to be speaking with Dave, the theater manager, about them."

Viva La France?

My wife calls herself a Democrat so, of course, she loves everything about France. She's even been there once or twice (I would never). So imagine how good I felt the other day when I told her about all the protesting going on there because they don't want to work more than 4 days a week until they're 60. That kind of work ethic is treasonous here in America. But I was totally deflated because after I told her about everything she just looked up at me and said, "I don't know, they sound kind of lazy if you ask me, babe."

4 Year Anniversary and She's Still A Democrat

4 years ago on this day my wife and I went on our first date. Pretty cool, huh? It's no surprise that with her radical left-wing ideology that we went to a Hare Krishna temple for the Festival of Lights, or "Diwali", as they call it. She wanted to "see what it was all about". Something happened while we were there that, in retrospect, was probably the first time that my wife didn't show her true Democrat colors.

We were upstairs in the temple and we had just finished watching a production of "Dracula Gets A Gita" when all of a sudden they bring out a baby cow and tell us to start painting it! At first I was like, "Get me out of here, this is too weird!" and I started sweating. But I decided to let it play out. It turns out it wasn't that weird after all. It was Go Puja, a celebration of "the day when Krishna became an independent cowherd." So here's the point of the story - my wife didn't paint the cow! I asked her if she wanted to and she just shook her head "no". It didn't really bother me at first because I just thought, "Oh, she doesn't like to try new things. That's cool." But now, thinking back on it, it really upsets me that she didn't want to at least pretend to celebrate the day Krishna became an independent cowherd!

If I knew then what I know now about her I would have let her have it right there in front of everybody. And I wouldn't have even cared if the cow or Dracula were there while I did it.

Life On The Plantation

My wife calls herself a Democrat but at least twice a week she wants to go to Souplantation. I would think that with the exaggerated obesity levels that Democrats make up about America that she would not support buffet style eating, but trust me, she supports it.

And don't even get me started with the racist name...

Fox Blackout Makes My Wife Sad. Why?

My wife calls herself a Democrat but when she heard about the Fox blackout caused by a contract dispute between News Corp. and Cablevision that is affecting 3 million people in New York all she said was, "That sucks, how are those people going to watch Glee now?"

I was expecting her to go off on a rant about "how lucky those people are to not have Fox on their TV's" and "how the truth meter on their TV's just just went up a notch" and all the other bull crap that comes out of Democrats' mouths as soon as Fox is mentioned, but apparently all my wife cares about is mind-numbing pop culture.

A Very Skewed View

My wife calls herself a Democrat but even she thinks Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg were out of line when they walked off The View following Bill O'Reilly's logic smackdown. Go get 'em, Bill! I don't know how Bill could stand being surrounded by all those cackling hens. As soon as my wife started showing me the clip, I walked out!

Try not to vomit while watching these "ladies" squirm.

My Wife Mocks The Chilean Miners!

My wife calls herself a Democrat but yesterday, when the feel-good story of the decade, the rescue of the Chilean miners, was compared to watching the Apollo 13 landing on TV she yelled out, "They're smoking cigarettes in a hole 100 yards beneath the Earth's crust! This is NOT the Apollo 13 landing!"

So what's all this I hear about how much Democrats care about people and want justice and are more compassionate than Republicans? I guess none of that is true.

Here she is in the bottom left-hand corner "lifting their spirits".



ps - Sorry for the late post, I had to go to court during lunch to pay a traffic ticket. Ouch!

Saturday Night Lies

My wife calls herself a Democrat but the other day we were watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and she says, "Saturday Night Live is pretty bipartisan, wouldn't you say?". Uhhhh, no, I would not say. She's absolutely crazy if that's what she thinks! And I told her that. I told her, "Why do you think Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin have hosted the show so many times, because of their love for Sarah Palin?!"

If you still have any doubt, here's a list of who's hosted the show the most. The top two are Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin, both at 15.

Saturday Night Live isn't even that good anymore. Everybody says that but I really mean it. Ever since Victoria Jackson left in 1992 the show has been terrible and not funny. The Kelsey Grammer episode a long time ago was funny but if SNL wants me to watch again they need better hosts. Bring on Jon Voight or Clint Eastwood and I'll think about watching again.

There's A Communist Living in the White House.
Sing it, Victoria!

Always In The Know

My wife calls herself a Democrat but when I asked her what she thought about Gary Herbert's chances about holding on to his seat as Governor in the upcoming election she just looked up at me from her Diet Coke and said, "What election?"

Knowing my wife, she'd probably support Peter Corroon though, who, when asked what district he represents said "At-Large", like a major dork. And check out his Professional and Political Experience section - they're totally blank! Not surprising. Just like Obama. No wonder my wife loves him.

I'm sure someone on Mr. Corroon's staff will fill in that page with lies soon so I got a screen shot while the truth was still available.



See: Utah Candidates for Governor

Our Dog is Worth an XBox... to my wife

My wife calls herself a Democrat but the other day we were walking around a park and saw a sign for a missing dog. The owner was offering $1000 dollars for its safe return. I asked my wife how much she'd be willing to pay for our dog if it got lost. I asked her if $300 sounded about right and she said yes. I was pretty speechless, I thought I was low-balling her! The thing is, our dog is twice as big as this other lost dog so I was expecting to hear at least $2000, but I guess my wife doesn't see things that way. If PETA found out about my wife's attitude I bet they'd send her hate mail. Here's the question I should have asked her - What price do you think Bridgette would offer for our safe return if we got lost? Probably a million dollars. Unless our dog is anything like my wife, then she'd probably only offer a nickel, or a mini beggin' strip.

Stay classy, babe!

My Wife Doesn't Listen To Michelle Obama Either

My wife calls herself a Democrat but when I suggested that she start growing a garden like Michelle Obama on our 8x7 balcony, she quickly came up with a list of excuses, which included, among others:

1) She doesn't want people to think she is growing pot (this is actually a valid excuse, our neighbors smoke pot and I think I heard them talking once about how much they love Obama).

2) She does her yoga on the balcony and doesn't want a garden to interfere with her downward facing dog.

3) Bridgette, our dog, would use it as a sand box.

I don't know, if you ask me these are all pretty lame excuses (except for #1) not to follow the counsel of the person you worship more than anything in the whole world. But, to be honest, I'm glad she's not growing an Obama garden because it's just the first step towards the real kind of garden that Michelle and her husband are trying to grow in the backyards of every home in America.

High Ideological Pollution Alert

My wife calls herself a Democrat but on a day when all the freeway LED signs said there was a high pollution alert and that we should limit our driving she drove 40 miles to buy designer jeans on sale. She ended up returning the jeans the very next day because I told her they cost too much and that while I'm at work she can't just be spending other people's (my) money all day long however she wants (which is a Democrat's dream, obviously). The day she returned them there was another high pollution alert. Sorry, polar bears.

Guess There's Not A Climate Crisis After All

My wife calls herself a Democrat but when she picks me up from work she never uses the carpool lane.

Flopping On Abortion

My wife calls herself a Democrat but she fully supports Bella not aborting her vampire baby that threatens to kill her from the inside (see: Breaking Dawn, aka, mindless drivel part 4). Can you say "hypocrite"? All of a sudden my wife cares about the sanctity of life, albeit a vampire's, or whatever.

I was looking through files on our computer yesterday and look what I found in the folders she uses.



"Who would abort Robert Pattinson's baby, anyway?"
-My Wife

Sick, Twisted Faker

My wife calls herself a Democrat but the last time I used the car after her, the radio was set to Glenn Beck. I approached her about it, and in a very defensive stance, she said she just listens to it to prepare her talking points and rebuttals when arguing with the Tea Party.

Super Sized Surprise

My wife calls herself a Democrat but when I said I was thinking about watching “Super Size Me” on Netflix instant play, she just yawned. I was speechless. I ended up watching Down Periscope instead, which I hadn't seen in a while.

Voter Fraud

My wife calls herself a Democrat but guess who she voted for in the 2008 election. She didn't.

Drink Water While You Still Can

My wife calls herself a democrat but when but when she cleans dishes or brushes her teeth, the water just runs and runs. Save some for the fish, right? Where does she think all this water is coming from, the trees? If she keeps this up we'll all be getting our water from the local desalination plant. She thinks those things are cheap but guess what, hotshot, they're not! Her solution would probably be to just raise taxes so we could have a desalination plant on every corner, but I tell you what, the minute they try to build one of those things on my block it's gonna get real ugly real quick.

See: Desalination

I'm Lovin' It (the hypocrisy)

My wife calls herself a democrat but we went to McDonald's the other day and it was her idea.

My Wife Doesn't Listen To The President

My wife calls herself a Democrat but she insists on leaving the thermostat at 58 degrees, even though it's 75 outside and Obama said not to lower your thermostat below 72°. Then I get slapped with a $160.00 power bill. Capitalism much?

Welcome to my blog

My wife and I have been married since May 2008. We had been dating for about a month when we decided to go to the movies and watch The Prestige. While we were waiting for the movie to start we saw a preview for The Dixie Chicks movie, Shut Up & Sing. It was during that preview that I learned the ugly truth about my future wife... she is a democrat! Needless to say, the date was spoiled (minus the movie, which I gave an 8 out of 10 on IMDB), but our relationship survived as a result of a next-day date to Wendy's where we hashed out our political differences and agreed to disagree.

Ever since then I've noticed inconsistencies in her political ideology. These inconsistencies have led me to believe that she might not be a Democrat after all; yet, she still insists on calling herself one. Don't get me wrong, she's no Republican, but when I asked her how she felt about Bill Maher's show being canceled in 2002 she said that she thought it was still on the air up until last year when she heard it referenced on her Gilmore Girls DVDs. Oh sure, she can argue talking points with my Conservative parents about immigration, but every once in a while I'll hear her say something that makes me stop and think, "How can she say she's a Democrat?"

I love my wife, but I'd be doing America a disservice if I didn't expose her for the political fraud she doesn't even know she is.