My Wife Doesn't Listen To Michelle Obama Either

My wife calls herself a Democrat but when I suggested that she start growing a garden like Michelle Obama on our 8x7 balcony, she quickly came up with a list of excuses, which included, among others:

1) She doesn't want people to think she is growing pot (this is actually a valid excuse, our neighbors smoke pot and I think I heard them talking once about how much they love Obama).

2) She does her yoga on the balcony and doesn't want a garden to interfere with her downward facing dog.

3) Bridgette, our dog, would use it as a sand box.

I don't know, if you ask me these are all pretty lame excuses (except for #1) not to follow the counsel of the person you worship more than anything in the whole world. But, to be honest, I'm glad she's not growing an Obama garden because it's just the first step towards the real kind of garden that Michelle and her husband are trying to grow in the backyards of every home in America.

High Ideological Pollution Alert

My wife calls herself a Democrat but on a day when all the freeway LED signs said there was a high pollution alert and that we should limit our driving she drove 40 miles to buy designer jeans on sale. She ended up returning the jeans the very next day because I told her they cost too much and that while I'm at work she can't just be spending other people's (my) money all day long however she wants (which is a Democrat's dream, obviously). The day she returned them there was another high pollution alert. Sorry, polar bears.

Guess There's Not A Climate Crisis After All

My wife calls herself a Democrat but when she picks me up from work she never uses the carpool lane.

Flopping On Abortion

My wife calls herself a Democrat but she fully supports Bella not aborting her vampire baby that threatens to kill her from the inside (see: Breaking Dawn, aka, mindless drivel part 4). Can you say "hypocrite"? All of a sudden my wife cares about the sanctity of life, albeit a vampire's, or whatever.

I was looking through files on our computer yesterday and look what I found in the folders she uses.



"Who would abort Robert Pattinson's baby, anyway?"
-My Wife

Sick, Twisted Faker

My wife calls herself a Democrat but the last time I used the car after her, the radio was set to Glenn Beck. I approached her about it, and in a very defensive stance, she said she just listens to it to prepare her talking points and rebuttals when arguing with the Tea Party.

Super Sized Surprise

My wife calls herself a Democrat but when I said I was thinking about watching “Super Size Me” on Netflix instant play, she just yawned. I was speechless. I ended up watching Down Periscope instead, which I hadn't seen in a while.

Voter Fraud

My wife calls herself a Democrat but guess who she voted for in the 2008 election. She didn't.